Aussie Funnies

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.

The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.

The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.

The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.

The Aussie said we’re the best, ‘cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it’s ass with your flag!

Aussie mateship

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she’d been she said she spent the night at a girl friend’s house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she’d been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

Next week Bruce didn’t come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he’d been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he’s been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

A bank robbery is taking place by a masked gunman and everyone is ordered to lie face down and not look at him.

He is just about to walk out the door with the loot when his mask slips and one of the bank customers who defied his orders sees his face. Not wanting to be identified later he shoots the person that saw him point blank through the head and yells at the rest of the terrified people; now is there anybody else that saw my face?

One man replies; eh, I think my missus caught a glimpse…..

Its sooooo dry in Victoria that……..

HIH Insurance has come out of liquidation.

If the England cricket team wasn’t touring we’d never see ducks.

The Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.

We’re actually drinking the new Vanilla Coke

You’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.

The Government has introduced a water pistol buyback scheme.

Thieves are siphoning off radiators instead of petrol tanks.

I’m encouraging the kids to wee in the pool.

Jesus has turned the wine into water

We are having to hand feed the rocking horse.

Philip Ruddock says that the so called children overboard lie, it was so they could walk to Australia.

Everyone is now an expert – because you can’t find anyone who is wet behind the ears.

All the bottom of the harbour tax schemes are re-surfacing.

I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

All the Baptists have become Anglicans.

When my daughter fainted it took three buckets of sand to bring her around.

I’ve sent my indoor plants out on agistment.

All the dogs are marking their territory with chalk.

Some of the 4WDs in Toorak have actually got dust on them.