Friday Funnies: Shaggy dog jokes

A little more time inside means a little more time to enjoy some long-winded shaggy dog jokes! Here are some of our favourites.

An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields … It’s spring, and for decades now he has planted tomatoes. Unfortunately, he is getting too old to turn the soil over to prepare for the planting season. Normally, his son Vincent would help, but he was recently arrested for armed robbery, as was in prison for the rest of the year.

The old man sighs and resigns himself to being unable to grow tomatoes this season.

That night, he writes a letter to his son:
“Dear Vin,
I miss you, my boy.
I was looking out at the field today and realising that without you, I’ll be without my tomatoes for the first time since I was a boy. Hope they’re treating you well in there.
Love,
Dad.”

Three days later, he receives a letter from his son:
“Dad,
Sorry I can’t be there, but whatever you do, do not touch the field! That’s where I buried the evidence from my last job.”

That same night, a horde of detectives and local cops descend on the old man’s field. They work deep into the early hours of the morning searching every foot of soil with shovels and pickaxes, but they find nothing. The cops end up apologising and shuffling off embarrassed as the sun starts to rise.

The next day, the old man receives another letter from his son:
“Dad,
Sorry for the mess they probably left, it was the best I could do in the circumstances. Send me some tomatoes when you harvest.
Love,
Vin.”

•••

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says, “Sorry mate, we don’t allow dogs in here.”
The young man responds, “That’s not a dog, it’s a woolley bugger.”
“What’s a woolly bugger?” quips the bartender.
“Come outside and I’ll show you,” says the young man as he rises from his seat.
The bartender agrees and the three go out the front door of the bar.
Across the road, there’s giant rat tipping over bins and spreading rubbish about. This infuriates the bartender who starts yelling at the rat.
But the young man says, “Hold on, sir. Allow me.”
He turns to the dark hairball and says, “Woolly bugger that rat!”
The hairball springs into action and decimates the rat. There’s still rat hair in the air as the woolly bugger returns.
“Let me try!” exclaims the bartender, eyeing the big tomcat spraying the side of the bar. “Woolley bugger that cat!” The ball of hair quickly eliminates the cat and returns to the young man’s side.
“That’s pretty impressive!” says the bartender, “Let me buy you a beer.”
Once in the bar, cold one in hand, the two chat about what had happened in the alley with much enthusiasm, only to be interrupted by the town drunk dragging himself in and up to the bar.
“Give me a beer!” He demands. “And why the F*#@ is there a dog in here?”
“Oh, it’s not a dog!” the bartender replies enthusiastically, “It’s a ‘woolly bugger’.”
To which the drunk replies, “Woolley bugger my arse!”

•••

A teacher has her lesson planned out for the day and asks her class to tell her something definite in the world.

One boy stands up and says, “The sky is definitely blue!”
But the teacher says, “Maybe now, but what about when it’s raining or snowing?”
The child looks flustered as he stews over the question and being proved wrong.

A girl stands up and says the leaves are definitely green.
The teacher asks, “In the spring and summer, yes. But what about in autumn, don’t they change colour?” The little girl joins the boy in stewing.

Another boy timidly raises his hand and the teacher calls on him. He shyly asks, “Teacher, can farts be lumpy?” The teacher is taken aback and confused, answering, “Well, no. They aren’t.”

The boy then responds, “Well, then I definitely just shat my pants.”

What are your favourite shaggy dog jokes? Share them with other YourLifeChoices’ readers in the comment section below.

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Written by Liv Gardiner

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