Friday Funnies

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Awareness Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’

He addressed the men. ‘Can you each name your wife’s favorite flower?’

Robert leaned over, touched Mary’s arm gently and whispered, ‘Self raising, isn’t it?’

Thus began Robert’s life of celibacy.

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After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when

they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

‘I’ll grant each of you a single wish,’ said the genie.

‘I wish I was home,’ said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

‘I wish I was home, too,’ said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. ‘Gee, I’m kind of lonely,’ he said. ‘I wish my friends were here with me.’

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What Not To Say When Stopped By The Police

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You’re not gonna check the boot, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.

Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

So, uh, you on the take or what?

Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking? You’re the trained specialist!”

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One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, “Uh-oh, what have I done now? I’m not speeding. I’m not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!”

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn’t deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, “I know. I’m here to tell you that your horn is stuck.”

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This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn’t read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock.

The man says, “Madam, I don’t repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.”

She says, “Why all the clocks in the window?”

And he says, “And what should I have in my window?”

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.



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