Counsellor Fiona Caine reassures a woman who escaped an abusive marriage.
The problem
“Three months ago, I left my husband, taking my three-year-old daughter with me. We’d been married for five years, and he was (and still is) a very heavy drinker.
“I was only 21 when I married him and obviously very naïve because I didn’t realise how aggressive he would get when he gets drunk. He hit me frequently and it took a lot for me to gather up my things and run. I’ve now spoken to a solicitor and have started divorce proceedings.
“My family are supporting me, and I should be relieved and happy but, some days all I can do is sit on my bed and cry. I just don’t understand why I feel so low. My family don’t seem to be able to help, other than listening sympathetically when I burst into tears in front of them.
“It just doesn’t make sense – my husband was cruel and vicious – he hurt me and did some pretty dreadful things to me, but despite this I think I still love and miss him. What’s wrong with me?”
#Adele released her highly anticipated album today and the song ‘My Little Love’ includes voice notes of conversations between her and her son where she explains her divorce to him.Read our advice on how to tell children about divorce and separation:https://t.co/MWUlHstarL pic.twitter.com/8cE3ZpODG2
— Relate (@Relate_charity) November 19, 2021
Fiona says
“There is nothing wrong with you at all. You’ve shown great courage by moving out and starting divorce proceedings.
“Anyone who has had to cope with domestic violence knows how demoralising it is and how difficult it is to find the courage to escape. What you now need to do is hang on to the knowledge that you’ve made the right decision.
“I’m sure you do still love him – but who you love is the man you thought you married, not the man he turned out to be. I’m sure that, had you seen the violent side of him when you first met, you would never have married him. There was something there to love at the start and that’s what you’re missing. Sadly, though, a violent man rarely, if ever, changes.
“What you are going through is a bereavement – you are mourning the loss of the husband you loved, despite the fact he behaved so badly. Once you loved a very different man and it isn’t surprising you are mourning that loss. Grief takes time to work through, so please don’t feel embarrassed about relying on your family and if you need to do it a little more, I’m sure they’ll understand. It’s great to have people around you that are prepared to listen sympathetically, so I suggest you make the most of this. Because, I’m sorry to say, you may always experience some grief – not as acutely as you are feeling it now, but you may always love and miss the man you married.
“People say that in time these feelings will fade. The edges are blunted – rubbed off – and in many cases someone or something comes along to bring happiness back into your life once more.
Even so, and especially when you look at your daughter, you will feel an edge of sadness that this man couldn’t be the man you hoped he would be – and that will always hurt, even if only a little.
“You might find it helpful to contact 1800RESPECT the confidential information, counselling and support service. You will find others, like you, who have been through similar experiences and who are willing to offer their help and support through local groups and advisory services.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
What advice would you give in this situation? Why not share your thoughts in the comments section below?
Also read: Living a nightmare, but too scared to escape
– With PA
When your partner is abusive it really sucks and the consequences can take a long time to work through. Lying is just as bad though. Your trust is broken and often the abuser tries to cover their lies with more lies and you find yourself entrapped, unable to discern the truth and that can take a very long time to realise.
You are also grieving for the marriage that you hoped and thought you were going to have. When you married the man you loved, you expected to live the married life of two people who loved each other. That includes mutual respect and support through all the ups and downs of life. You didn’t receive that respect and support, due to your husband’s unfortunate relationship with alcohol and the violent behaviour which occurred as a result. For a while, you probably hoped that the situation would improve if you were patient and loving, but most often that sadly doesn’t happen. You have done the right thing for yourself, and especially for your daughter. You will recover from this devastating marriage breakdown, just give yourself time.
I know what you are going through. I too was in an abusive relationship with a person that when he was sober he was the nicest person on earth but when he was drunk he was the worst person on earth. I left many times and because I fell for his “I will change” crap I went back for many years. I left for 3 months once and went back because I felt like he had changed. The best thing you can do is weigh up if you want to be a punching bag or if you want your daughter to know there are really nice people in the world. No one can tell you to leave him. Only you can do that. It’s not easy and you have to be strong. My daughter and a friend were also in the same predicament and I said to them ” I can tell you to leave but you will know when it’s time. If I tell you to leave and something happens to your husband you will blame me forever. If it’s your decision you will be able accept anything. It does get easier when you know that is what you want. Hang in there. A marriage should be happy and supportive of each other at least 90% of the time. Good Luck