The problem
“I’m the youngest of four siblings and, now I’m in my 70s, I’m the only one left alive. My eldest brother was always a bit of a rebel, but he was always good to me. I was 16 when he left home and moved abroad and it left me heartbroken, especially as I never saw him again.
“He wrote occasionally – from America, Canada and other countries too; he never seemed to stay anywhere for very long. He often mentioned girlfriends but as far as I know, he never married, and the letters stopped about 30 years ago.
“So, it came as a real shock to be contacted via one of my nephews to be told that two people, who said they were his children, wanted to talk to me. They had found each other through one of these sites you can go on now and, through that, had found my nephew.
“They really want to know more about their father – which I can quite understand. He hadn’t married either of their mothers and neither of them had any memory of him at all – it sounds like he left the mothers when they were pregnant. They believe there is another child as well but haven’t made contact yet.
“My problem is, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I don’t know how I can face them. Both my mother and my grandmother would be appalled – we weren’t brought up to be so cavalier with other people’s feelings. His lack of respect and care for these women and children is unconscionable. What a dreadful thing for my brother to have done!”
Fiona says …
“Whilst I can understand you are shocked by the revelation that the brother you dearly loved has behaved in a way you don’t approve of, I am surprised you feel it reflects on you. I am sure that his children will be only too grateful to talk to you and find out more about their father, to ever consider passing any judgement on you.
“And who knows what happened to him after he left home when you were 16? It may have been something deeply traumatic that changed him, or he might have been a commitment phobe who treated other people badly. Alternatively, he might have always lacked respect and consideration for women – but perhaps you (his little sister) were an exception, or you just didn’t see it.
“You cannot go back and change the past, but you can help his children. Embrace the fact you have suddenly discovered two more relatives that you didn’t even know about. Share with them what you remember about your brother, about how you and he were brought up. Talk to them about your parents (their grandparents), about whom, presumably, they know nothing at all. You will be helping to fill in the blanks in their lives, and you may even find out more about what happened to your brother.
“If the mothers are still alive then they may want to talk to you as well – don’t be afraid of this as I’m quite sure no-one will blame you. It might give you an opportunity to find out more about your brother and what happened to him.
“The flow of information could go both ways and you may find that the hurt your clearly felt at ‘losing’ your brother all those years ago will lessen. I hope you will also feel able to forgive him – after all, he’s brought you into contact with a raft of new people you didn’t even know existed.”
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
What advice would you give in this situation? Why not share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Also read: Dear Fiona: How do I reconnect with my son and grandchildren?
– With PA
How wonderful that you have discovered two relatives of your brother. It will enrich your life to get to know them, and share stories of their father and grandparents. Why would you feel ashamed and embarrassed by the actions of your sibling? Clearly, your nephews feel their lack of family interactions and will be delighted to make contact with their Auntie. I’m sure this opportunity will benefit you all. It’s a miracle for you to have this chance to enjoy contact with your brother’s descendants, after a lifetime missing out on his company. Grab this family cpmpany with both hands. And good luck!
Your dearly loved brother may be gone, but what a wonderful opportunity to connect with his children. You can do this & still stand proud of your upbringing. Remember, you have done no wrong & neither have these children. What a blessing to know that his children exist & carry some of that long lost brother!
Wow, this sounds just like my brother and me, we never knew our biological father. We were both born in Sydney but our Mother and he split whilst she was pregnant with me and she never saw or heard of him again. We’re now in our 70’s and don’t expect to connect with any close family. I have done the Ancestry DNA thing but that only came back with distant relatives. From all accounts he was a bit of a rogue but it would be lovely to get to know any of his family still living. Not likely, but it would be nice.