Friday Funnies: The Italian funeral

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar and Sylvester Stallone says “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m bored with the standard action flicks.”

“What should we do then?” Chuck asks.

“This may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers,” Stallone replies.

That’s when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says: “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!”

“And who will you be, Arnold?” Chuck asks.

“I’ll be Bach.”

•••

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed an unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 metres behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man could not stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

 “My wife’s.”

“What happened to her?”

 “She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”  

 He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”  

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Join the queue.”

•••

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing happens and the next. The bartender’s curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying three beers.

He explains, “My two buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they have shipped away, I’ve decided to drink their beers in their honour so I may never forget.”

A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man three beers every night. One night, the man only orders two beers. Thinking the worst, the bartender asks him why only two, and the man responds, “I’ve decided to stop drinking.”

•••

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: “I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two tourists hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m 92 years old…I’m telling everybody!”

•••

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