A collection of quick-witted quotes

This collection of quick-witted quotes from the world’s most intelligent – and funniest – people will give you a unique insight on life. Or they’ll just make you laugh out loud. Either way, you win!


You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. – George Burns

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

If at first you don’t succeed … so much for skydiving. – Henny Youngman

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many” – and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”. – Robin Williams

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. – Marilyn Monroe

I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little. – Bill Murray

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like. – Bill Murray

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much. – Oscar Wilde

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. – Greg King

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about 10 at night. – Bill Hicks

The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I’m not addicted to coke. I just love the way it smells. – Richard Pryor

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. – Billy Sunday

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin Jones

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

What are some of your favourite funny quotes? Who gives the best quotes? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.

Also read: Friday Funnies: Going Nuts

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