A man in North Korea is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Italian are captured by ISIS and have their legs tied to a wooden chair with their hands behind them as they are tortured for information.
First, they go to the Frenchman. Before they lay a single hit on him, he spills everything he knows.
Then, they go to the English man. They hit him and hit him for five minutes before finally he gives up and tells them everything he knows.
Finally, they go to the Italian. They beat him and beat him for hours and hours to the point where he looks almost dead, but he doesn’t say a thing. Finally, they give up. The ISIS members untie all of them and throw them into a cell together.
The Frenchman and the Englishman are extremely surprised. “How did you manage not to say anything?” the Frenchman asked.
The Italian shrugged, “I wanted to, but they tied me up and I couldn’t move my hands!”
A balding, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store on a Friday evening with a much younger, beautiful woman at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring.
The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweller said.
The woman’s eyes sparkled and her body shook with excitement.
Seeing this, the man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated: “By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the man and said: “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the man. “But let me tell you about my weekend.”