I don’t know about you, but having sex in an airplane toilet sounds to me about as appealing as, well, having sex in an airplane toilet. I mean, have you seen the state of those things? There’s barely room for one, let alone two. And have you smelled them? I’m not even going to get into just how much of a turn-off I think it would be to stand in a puddle of pee while gently caressing my lover. Oh, wait, I just went into it. Well, you get the idea. Nasty stuff.
According to flight attendants, there are other ways you can go about joining the mile-high club. Most still end up in the plane toilet, though. You know what? If you can’t wait a few hours to hit the ground to get your nookie, then you deserve to end up in the toilet.
Anyway, joining the mile-high club is on many a bucket list. Have you ever wanted to know how to join the mile-high club? Here are some tips straight from those who’ve seen it all – flight attendants.
Scenario one: fake it then make it
Okay, you start a fight with your partner. Could be about travel plans, your mother-in-law or whether the remake of The Lone Ranger was better than the original. Your partner then fakes tears (that is, unless they can cry on cue) and heads to the toilet to lock themselves in and sob (the sobbing sounds are key here – we’ll get back to that). You, the offending partner, now feel terrible, so you head to the lav and beg for access so you can apologise. Now you have a playground in which to play – and this is where the sobbing sounds from earlier can help to cover the sounds of your ‘frolicking’.
Scenario two: sexy seat action on an overnight flight
If you and your partner have been clever enough to choose the window and aisle seat, then lucky enough to have no-one in the middle seat, then you’ve got yourselves a shot at some sexy seat action. The key is to bring your own blanket because, as many of you may know, airline blankets are recycled and heaven knows what you could catch from those icky quilts. Wait until you’ve been in the air for a couple of hours, right around the time when the attendants take their first break. This usually occurs after the first round of refreshments and food has been handed out, the rubbish collected and the drinks cart does the rounds again. The cabin lights will typically be turned off. You’ll find that most passengers will begin to nod off, so it’s the perfect time to raise those armrests and ‘get cosy’, so to speak. Be quiet and go easy though, or you’ll wake your fellow passengers. If they take offence, you could be in trouble. Sex in a public place is illegal and not well looked upon in quite a few countries.
Scenario three: stretching in the galley
This one is pretty interesting and gutsy. You could ask the flight attendant if you and your partner can stretch in the galley for a few minutes. If you ask nicely, they may let you do it. And then you can do it. But be quick. There seems to be an unspoken rule about sex on a flight: no see, no foul. But if you’re caught, you could be fined, arrested or, at least, on the bad side of your cabin crew.
Scenario four: play but don’t go all the way – or do
This is the most likely scenario for those who don’t wish to take a risk on the airplane toilet (I mean, why would you?). Here’s where that blanket comes in handy again (pardon the pun). With your blanket draped over your laps, you can play around a bit. But try to be inconspicuous. If you’re lucky, you can get things started; then, should you see a gap in toilet traffic, make a break for it to end proceedings.
If you do happen to make it to the toilet, how do you actually, well, do it?
According to one flight attendant, the best way is for one partner to use the handholds over the toilet or by the door. Then the couple would do it standing. This way is supposedly safest should the plane hit turbulence. It may even stop you from putting your foot in it, if you catch my meaning.
If joining the mile-high club is on your bucket list, you should probably be prepared to not have the best sex of your life. But if you’re game, you can tick that box and make a naughty, but happy memory that many have talked about but few have actually created.
Have you, or do you know anyone who’s joined the mile-high club? Any stories to share?