31 flavours of Friday Funnies

It’s the 31st of the month, so we’re celebrating with 31 flavours of Friday Funnies so deliciously funny, you’ll never forget them.


What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play should have a cast.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
She was going through a stage.

There are many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type.
Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: you get what you deserve.

A woman in labour shouted out “Shouldn’t! Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor to the husband. “Those are just the contractions.”

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and ——— cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asked the bartender.
“I’m not sure,” said the bear. “I was born with them.”

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

What’s an astronaut’s favourite part on a computer?
The space bar.

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

Where are average things made?
In the satisfactory.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
Because he drank coffee before it was cool.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Because they take things literally.

A man walks into a doctor’s office and says “Help me, doc. I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor replies “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
The cat has claws at the end of its paws, the comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the tin man say when he was flattened by a steamroller?
Curses, foil again!

What did the bald man say when he received a comb as a present?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

What did one hat say to the other?
Wait here, I’ll go on a head.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.

Why did the yoghurt go to the art gallery?
Because it was cultured.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
A re-Morse code.

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