Friday Funnies keeps it brief

The simple things in life are often the best – and this witty aphorism also applies to jokes. So, we’ve curated 20 terrifically funny two-line jokes for you to share with your friends.

My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.

What’s green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.

Apparently, someone in Brazil gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bugger!

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

Some people have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in their jeans.

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey.

To the handicapped man who stole my bag.
You can hide but you can’t run.

I took the shell off my racing snail so he could move faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.

I tried to catch some fog yesterday.
But I mist.

What is the first rule of Alzheimer’s club?
Don’t talk about chess club.

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

How do you make holy water?
Put it in a pot and boil the hell out of it.

What happened to the cow that tried to jump a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.

How do you defend yourself if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

Have you heard the rumour going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

You can never lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, you’ve only lost a pigeon.

Do you have any good two-liners you’d like to share with our members?

Related articles:
Talking dog for sale
Hypocritical bumper stickers
Best of ‘did you hear?’ jokes

Written by Leon Della Bosca

Publisher of YourLifeChoices – Australia's most-trusted and longest-running retirement website. A trusted voice on Australia's retirement landscape, including retirement income and planning, government entitlements, lifestyle and news and information relevant to Australians over 50. Leon has worked in publishing for more than 25 years and is also a travel writer and editor, graphic designer and photographer.

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