Friday Funnies: Best of 2018

We look back at some of the best jokes from the past year.

Friday Funnies: Best of 2018

A little boy was at a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he took two steps, stopped and turned to the crowd. Then he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So he went: step, step, roar, step, step, roar all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the ring bear".

•••

In a small town in South Australia there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once in a while they would get into a fight. One time, after they had both just bought ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on the footpath, and started to cry.

A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”

“Shut-up.”

The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question, got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for trouble?”

And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that idiot stole my ice-cream!”

•••

Jesus is playing a round of golf with Moses in Heaven and they come upon a water trap.

Jesus turns to Moses and asks, "Didn't you do something with water once?" and Moses says yeah, and proceeds to do the trick where he parts the waters.

Jesus is impressed, and Moses in turn asks, "Didn't you also do something with water?"

Jesus says, "Yeah, watch this" and proceeds to step out onto the water, but he sinks almost immediately to his knees. He gets out, gets a running start, and tries again, this time sinking to his waist. He comes out confused and embarrassed, and Moses asks, "What was it you were trying to do?"

"I used to be able to walk on water," Jesus replies.

"The last time you tried it, did you have those holes in your feet?" Moses asks.

•••

Jack, a Collingwood fan, looks through some old junk and discovers a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie appears. The genie grants him three wishes on the basis that everything he wishes for, Essendon fans would get double the amount. 

Jack accepts the condition. His first wish is for $1,000,000.  He gets it and, in return, Essendon fans worldwide receive $2,000,000 each. 

His second wish is for a Ferrari, and lo and behold, Essendon fans get two Ferraris each ....

For his last wish, he says: ‘You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!’

•••

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six?

A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

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