Time for a laugh!
My sister just phoned me to say she does not have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
She says she has CDO instead (so far gone she has to put the initials in alphabetical order !)
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something?. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."
Sorry Irish folk but it's true.
An old fellow was thrilled to hear that one can have sex at 81. He said: it's great news, I live at 77 so I don't even have to cross the street!
Ha Haaah !!!!!
These two friends fwed and seth, met every week on a hill overlooking the bay, they would discuss everything, even politics of which fwed knew nothing, fwed was a lot older than seth, he was at least 90, seth was still a young bloke with a lot of patience.One week fwed never turned up, another week and another until three months had passed, then fwed turned up at the meeting place. Wher have you been asked seth? I've been in prison said fwed, what for, asked seth? Rape, said fwed,What!!! at your age, that's impossible. Fwed said,I was walking down Burke street when a cop car pulled up and three cops jumped on me and tossed me in the back of the car and said I was arrested for rape. When I arrived at court and they read out the charge of rape against me the court went silent, then a loud burst of applause broke out. The judge had to silence the clapping and cheering, then he said to me what do you plead, Guilty or not guilty to the charge of rape? What else could I say after all the applause? Guilty, I said, the judge slammed his gavel down so hard it broke, looked at me and sentenced me to three months prison for contempt of court.
It's true ")
Love it just goes to prove you can never keep a good man down, Oops sorry can't think why that popped into my head.
See!!! I never lie.
New Avatar for Maggs
Will seth be excited ???
What ever you do don't let fwed see it,
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
Enjoy and pass on to your friends.
=
Must be the cheeriest long post on here, thanks for that as Seth said best jokes were before PC came in.
A lot better when answers were not scripted, no worry about being political correct.
Yes sorry it is a bit long .........could not resist it though ..........I am still laughing .......clay
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
I wasn't…
I certainly did get a giggle out of your post Vivity! I suffer with the condition myself and know how tedious and frustrating it can be.